The Anxiety of Speaking

I have a new book coming out, and it scares the hell out of me. It's a collection of poetry that opens up about my journey with mental illness—especially the year before I was officially diagnosed as bipolar. It talks about cutting, OCD induced suicidal ideation, the things we do in both depression and mania. The whole damn thing. To be fair, everything I publish gives me at least some degree of anxiety. You put yourself out there when you write and that can be difficult for anyone. The worry can be nonstop.

This is something different. The book is called Shit House Rat and that's enough to make me want to hide under a cover and pull a pillow over my head. My goal is to take a phrase “crazy as a shit house rat” and give a little power to it. Take it back. Of course, I worry that some people in my own community will take it as an affront. Not to mention all the social media folks who will tear apart any little slight they come across, whether they know anything about it or not.

Then I have to wonder what my colleagues will think? I've been a college professor for almost twenty years now, five at my current school. I have tenure, so that helps. What will my superiors think? The truth is I don't know. But I can certainly imagine the worst. Every bipolar person, no matter how high-functioning, worries about job security. There's always a chance mania or depression will come on so strong that you have to miss work. If you're lucky, you either have sick days coming or you have an understanding boss. If you're unlucky, you lose your job.

I'm going to have to face this soon. And to be honest, I don't know if someone who was wasn't bipolar would have the same anxiety. So why do I keep doing it? Why am I publishing such a personal book about mental health. It's simple. The artistic drive is more powerful than the flight response. So, I've had a string of high-anxiety days and panic attacks. They're not going to stop anytime soon. They're not going to stop me anytime soon either.

Shit House Rat is available for pre-order from me for 15 bucks, postage paid. It'll be available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc, shortly after. But, I'll send you a signed copy, just contact us at Sanesplaining@gmail.com.

Daniel-Crocker-back-cover-for-Shit-House-Rat-9-17-17

The Anxiety of Speaking

Daniel Crocker

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